If

by Amy Jenner (UK)

If

I’m petrified,
Because if it’s come back
This quickly
It will keep coming back
And it won’t be done
Till I am done

There’s nothing I can do to stop it
There’s nothing I can do
Nothing
It’s out my hands
And out of my control

I feel desperate, useless, numb, void
I’m waiting to be told it’s back
Waiting to go through
The endless treatment
That will ravage my body
And crush my soul

Do I have it in me again
Can I do this
I don’t know if I have the reserves
I no longer trust my body
I don’t feel strong
I feel really scared

You say this could be localised
No spread, no real issue
It’s a good cancer to get
It’s one to fight through and
It would be easier compared to others

But when you tell me this
It falls on deaf ears
Because if your cancer came back
Would it be an easy one to get through
Would you be happy you had a good one?

I am not happy
I am beside myself with fear
I am no longer operating
I am performing
If it is back
If it is
If
If it is
I am done