I Did This

by Amy Jenner

I’ve not addressed my decision yet
To violate my chest
To rip off my breasts
To be left looking like
This

I don’t look down now
I shower straight ahead
Wear my tops chin high
And my wireless bra is strapped to me
At all costs

There is a loss that silently flows
Because how do you say
I chose this
These plastic, lumpy, alien abominations
I actually chose this

There is blind fear that after everything
I just went and dug the surgical knife in
And I twisted it, and ripped, and shredded and mutilated.
And I did this to myself
And I’m not sure I’m proud

I doubt my decision daily
When I avoid my reflection
When I stuff my bra with foam
When I feel no sensation
When I see those red raw scars
When I grieve for the babies I cannot feed
For the lovers I will not bare myself to

I did this
I did this to live without the fear
But I am still left with fear
It rattles in my empty chest
And screams at the reflection I’ve left
I no longer recognise me
I no longer want to