The Dark Dreaded C

By Leesha Lou

 

Growing up I was always self conscious
With a pair of fried eggs
Dimples for nipples
which caused me much stress

Ashamed & embarrassed
Why were they so small?
I felt like an under developed
Child-like mess

I hated my body
So much so
I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror
I was ugly, disgusting
Never felt so worthless & low

I gave birth to my daughter
The most beautiful sight
She looked perfect
And I created her!
My purest delight

She needed her mummy’s milk
Mummy tried her best
She struggled so hard to feed
With these 2 fried egg breasts

I felt so inadequate
So hurt & scared the bond might break
I just didn’t feel like a woman
I felt weak
“I’m just a pathetic mistake”

I longed to feel womanly
To be desired
To feel sexy
Like a typical page 3 girl
With a cleavage & curves
All confident & seductive
Attractive

So I had my operation
I’d saved up for my perfect breasts
I found a wonderful surgeon
Who worked miracles on my new chest

I loved them
they were my dream come true!
From completely flat
to perfectly perky
I felt like a real woman
Finally at peace with my body
I was just like brand new!

But then ……
4 years later
My world drastically changed
My left breast had suddenly
Began to feel strange

A lump near my pretty little perfect nipple
It was hard & sore
And then I felt a small inward dimple
The more I examined
The more I found
Lots of odd lumps and bumps
All the way round

I felt worried
This just didn’t feel right
I was frightened & nervous
At the prospect of what it could be
We all are I s’pose
When we suspect
We have The Dark Dreaded C

So I booked in to see a consultant
Was poked with needles
Had Mammograms
And very painful biopsies

The test confirmed my darkest nightmare
A large mass of DCIS
Also stage 2 cancer to my despair
Why is life sometimes so cruel?
It just seemed so unfair

Then she dropped the next big bombshell
Both boobies have to go
Nipples and breast tissue
Maybe lymph nodes also

To remove all the cancer
To check it’s not spread,
Better to be safe than sorry
All a massive worry in my head

So I had the double mastectomy
Then encountered a problem the next day
The pain & bruising was unbearable
I prayed & wished for the pain to go away

A nasty blood clot had formed
In the bad breast and so
I needed an emergency op
To re-do it, to relieve the pressure
That was incredibly sore

In hospital for days
Bored & lonely
I lay and cry
On pain relief
My fave was Orimorph
That made me fly
I escaped for a moment
I was high

With 4 blood drains protruding
Through my newly battered breasts
I felt like an alien
And a drugged up mess

I soon recovered
I felt good
It didn’t take long
As a single mother of 2
You have no choice
But to be strong

Then came the next hurdle
Of the Dark Dreaded C
Results – it’s not spread
Yes! I’m cancer free!
However as I’m so young
They offered me 18 doses of Herceptin
Along with the typical chemotherapy

So I start with the treatment
The chemo is harsh
I have no luck
Nerve pain, nausea
Then I’m suddenly hit
by the big tax truck

My bones feel broken
My skin & muscles ache
My right hand loses sensation at times
My head itches & flakes

Metal taste in my mouth
Nose bleeds
Ulcers & migraines
The list is endless!
Steroids
Medication
& oh the dreaded stomach injections

Oh how ironic
This story is to tell
How long it took to get such perfect breasts
To be left with breasts from hell

Stupid dreaded C
You may have taken my confidence
My hair & both breasts
But in reality
All that truly matters is
I’m still here
My soul still dances for
You haven’t taken me

“So blessed be”

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