Irrevocably Mine

By Taylor Heather Jewkes

 

The sadness crept.
It crawled over me,
Leaden sea,
Its waves crushing me.
Defeated beneath its blows
I crumpled.
In Grief, in sorrow,
Lost I screamed.
I raged and I broke
Over and over again.
The tide drawing me in, and out,
Its breath, replacing mine.
As I held it,
Cupped it close to me,
Scared to let it go.
Barricaded myself behind its walls.
My citadel of pain,
I set it high up upon a pedestal.
My life revolving around the wrong done to me.
Worshiping and disgusted by it.
Simultaneously.

I longed to be…
Just be.
Happy.

I pressed my nose against the glass
Of other people’s lives and coveted
Their seemingly effortless lives.
Content. Content. Content.

Paralysed I screamed,
I want my life back!
Not yet understanding the very thing
I worshiped and rejected was life.
My life.
Not easy, not sane or scareless,
But irrevocably mine.
So I slowly,
Like a seed bursting through mud and earth,
I started again.